


Civil Unrest

by sharedwithyou



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Humor, Crack, F/M, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Humor, Ko No Mono Spoilers, Mostly humor, No Spoilers, Reader-Insert, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-06-09 01:48:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 14,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6884020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharedwithyou/pseuds/sharedwithyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>NO WARNING BECAUSE NO SPOILERS<br/>ALSO NOT TOO ANGSTY</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay walking accident, let’s get you out of here before you break any more of my equipment.”</p>
<p>“It was one laser pointer!” You whined, as an extra suit picked you up and dragged you out of the lab. You tried one last resort to get him to at least look at you before you left. “Wait wait! I dyed my hair purple!! No, robin’s egg blue!!”</p>
<p>“That’s nice.” The door slammed and the suit positioned itself like a sentry so you couldn’t get in again.</p>
<p>“Fine, but you’ll be sorry when you need to go to the bathroom!” You yelled at the empty robot.</p>
<p>“Don’t worry, (y/n). I can hold it for hours.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why isn’t he paying any attention to me?!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> NO SPOILERS  
> I REPEAT  
> NO SPOILERS  
> ALSO NOT THAT MUCH ANGST  
> EVERYONE COME READ
> 
> i was gonna name this not civil war to emphasize how everyone can read it (because i miss getting comments from those of you who haven't watched tony break my heart yet) but civil unrest is better because... well you'll see
> 
> i'm resisting writing FEELSFEELSFEELS and ANGSTANGSTANGST because i think we all need a rest... at least for this chapter ;)
> 
> not sure if this will be a two-shot (lame i know) or a multi-chapter thing... either way it's fun and awesome so enjoy!!
> 
> and leave me a comment if you like!!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky

 

“Look look!! I’m doing a handstand!!”

“That’s great hon.”

“You’re not looking! I can’t hold it for much long-“ You nearly fell on your head as you quickly put your feet down.

“You okay sweetness?”

“I’m fine.” You pouted. “Well check out my high kick. I’ve been practicing! It’s almost as high as Nat’s!”

You swung your left foot in the air proudly, but he still didn’t turn.

“Tony!!”

“I’m kind of busy, (y/n). Although I’m sure it’s very sexy.”

“It is!!” You weren’t sure if he was being sarcastic or not. “And I’m doing great with my cartwheels- woahhh!!”

Your other hand didn’t quite make it to the ground as your right slipped out from under you. “Shit!! Who waxed these floors?!”

“Okay walking accident, let’s get you out of here before you break any more of my equipment.”

“It was one laser pointer!” You whined, as an extra suit picked you up and dragged you out of the lab. You tried one last resort to get him to at least look at you before you left. “Wait wait! I dyed my hair purple!! No, robin’s egg blue!!”

“That’s nice.” The door slammed and the suit positioned itself like a sentry so you couldn’t get in again.

“Fine, but you’ll be sorry when you need to go to the bathroom!” You yelled at the empty robot.

“Don’t worry, (y/n). I can hold it for hours.”

 

“Why isn’t he paying any attention to me?!”

Steve gave you a sympathetic smile as he cracked another egg into the skillet. He was practicing cooking, which meant it would be your third omelet today. Oh well.

“Because you’re annoying!” Clint called from the couch helpfully.

“I am not!” You threw an orange from the fruit bowl at him. He caught it from behind his head while keeping his eyes on the tv. Damn.

“Uncalled for.”

“Shush. I’m sensitive.” You puttered around the kitchen moodily, taking out forks and purposely giving Clint’s plate only knives.

“You’ll feel better after you eat,” Steve consoled as he doled out scrambled eggs. At least he remembered salt this time.

“Smells good,” Bucky commented as he walked in right on cue. His timing was uncanny; it was like he had a sixth sense or something.

“Bucky, do you think I’m annoying?” You put on your best puppy eyes.

“Pass.”

“Damnit.” You punched him in his shoulder, before rubbing your knuckles. You always forgot that one of them was metal.

“I would say high-spirited,” Thor offered, spraying pop-tart crumbs everywhere and pushing his plate of eggs away. Apparently he could eat pastries every day for a year, but two days of eggs in a row was too much.

“Thanks.” You weren’t sure how to take that, so you shoveled some food into your mouth in response.

“Steve? Could you do a quick delivery? I’ll pay cash.”

“No can do.” Steve responded to the loudspeaker like it was absolutely normal. Well it kind of was. “But I think I know someone who’d be willing to go in my place.”

There was an audible crackle as Tony sighed. “Fine. (Y/n) can you bring me some food.”

“As the cooler robot once said, well like two seconds ago, pass.”

Bucky gave you silent applause as radio silence went on for a whole minute.

“Cooler?! He only has one arm- I have a whole suit!!! No, I have like a hundred suits!!” The egomaniac was sputtering.

“Well he could still kick your ass in hand to hand.”

There was a string of gibberish as Tony tried to come up with a retort that expressed his full indignation.

“And he’s actually eating with me. Instead of locking me in another room. So, again, I’ll pass.”

You made a hang up gesture, and Jarvis was nice enough to mute him. “Thanks Jarvis.”

“Anytime, ma’am.”

 

“Good for you, playing hard to get.” Clint patted your head condescendingly as you watched the Big Bang Theory.

“I’m not.”

“Normally I’d say mind games are for teenagers, but I think with Tony they’re quite appropriate.”

“I’m not playing had to get!!” You jabbed him in the side to get your point across. “I just didn’t feel like leaving the great dinner conversation.”

“You mean Thor’s great spirited discussion about whether Angelina Jolie is hotter than Jessica Alba?”

“Hey. There were a lot of good points to be made.”

“And you’re full of crap.”

You slumped against him and he patted your head again, this time more sincerely. “It’s not about playing, Clint. I’m just tired of running after him.”

“You were never a good athlete.”

“Shut up!” You poked him in the ribs repeatedly, but he didn’t even flinch. “And you know what I mean.”

“You don’t like being taken for granted,” he replied, giving you a cheeky smile.

Well, it was something anyway.

“What can I do to make you feel better?” At least he was trying now.

“Hmm…pity fuck?”

“…sure. Why the hell not?”

 

“Thanks for bringing me dindins-“

Tony’s sarcastic remark was cut short when he walked in on you straddling Clint.

“Barton, you're DEAD!!”

“Relax!” You stuck out a foot and tripped Iron Butt as he barreled over to give your bestie a pummeling. “We were just wrestling.”

“Who wrestles like that?!” Tony barked from the ground.

“We do,” Clint replied as he bucked you off. “See? No boner.”

“It’s true. It’s virtually impossible for him to find me attractive. I’m basically a bro. Except worse, because he definitely thinks Bruce is hot.”

“I said his biceps were nice in Hulk form! Once! Stop bringing that up!”

“Can we focus on the issue here?!” Tony waved his arms crazily. “(Y/n), no more being in other guys’ laps!!”

“I wasn’t in his lap,” you informed him. “I was on his stomach. Winning. You should be happy for me.”

“I should be happy when you dry hump a bro?!”

“Oh so now I’m a bro,” Clint quipped. “But when we were getting Chipotle you wouldn’t spring for guac.”

“You should be happy because I’m working my ass off to get back on active duty! And to become a better fighter!!” You argued.

Tony took a deepass breath and closed his eyes for a long moment. “Fine. You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Wow.” You gave Clint a I-Can’t-Believe-That-Worked face.

“I know I’ve been busy lately.”

“Understatement of the year,” the one-man-peanut-gallery sang.

“Let’s get some food okay. I’ll get the keys to the bike from Bucky.”

“The SuperBlooper?!?!” You had named the sexy motorcycle after your favorite Mario Kart scooter, much to everyone’s chagrin.

“…yes. The SuperBlooper.” He got up and dusted himself, before heading for the elevator. “Go put on something hot. I’ll meet you at the front in five.”

“Deal.” You clapped your hands excitedly, so he rolled his eyes as he left. Mostly because he didn’t want you to know how adorable he found it so you wouldn’t use it against him.

 

“Nice job tucking your junk, by the way.”

“Thanks.” Clint got up to shake…it off. “I don’t think we can bromantically wrestle anymore.”

“Yeah.” You bit your lip and looked away, wondering when things had changed.

Your best friend couldn’t look at you either, opting out the window instead.

“So next time you say pity fuck…”

“Yeah. We’ll actually do it.” Then you got up and speed walked to your room to put on something modest; anything to get rid of the libido pumping through you.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUEHUEHUE
> 
> GIVE ME SOME LOVE BELOW!!!
> 
> random ramblings:  
> poll 1: TONY OR CLINT?!?! or possibly bucky?  
> i'm kind of feeling for both tony and bucky after the movie, and well clint because always clint
> 
> you okay sweetness?~ reference to the awesome scrubs
> 
> poll 2: what part made you laugh the hardest?
> 
> mine is when you trip tony as he runs to beat clint up  
> speaking of which  
> yes you guys were both play-fighting, but for the first time Clint actually gets a boner (BUT it's the first time, AND he was able to hide it before you got in trouble)  
> and so the first time you say pity fuck it's a joke but... well you know the rest
> 
> i'm SO happy to write some humor without angst...but that's just today ;) we'll see
> 
> gimme your thoughts below!!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky


	2. Things get Hawkward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WHEEEEE
> 
> ready for some more crack guys?! no, not cocaine, merely the addictive and ridiculous nature of my fics
> 
> more funs and feels, without the heavy side of angst. can i get an amen?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also props to me for fast updating
> 
> leave me a comment lovelies!!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky

“Why are you wearing that dress?”

Having perked up the evening by speeding around NY with you strapped to his back like a backpack, Tony decided to self-sabotage per use. “I mean, it’s pretty, but it shows like no cleavage.”

“Keep your pants on,” you quipped, trying hard to let go of the image of Clint’s…pants. “It showcases my collarbones.”

“It goes all the way down to your calves!!”

“Hello, to showcase my delicate ankles.”

“Hmph,” Tony had no comeback for that. You did have nice ankles. “Well it’s not doing anything for my bones. Er, bone.” He put on a pitiful face.

“For the last time, Tony, you are not getting a public blowjob.”

“Why not?!” Iron Dick decided to go full on five-year-old. “We never get to do anything kinky!!”

“Keep up the tantrum and you’ll never get to do anything, period.”

“Fine. But fill up on bread. Ritzy restaurants have notoriously small portions and I’m not buying you eight plates.”

“Bitch, you’re a billionaire!”

“Hey, everyone knows you’re my girl because you’re a cheap date.”

 

As you cruised home in the SuperBlooper, you brainstormed ways to make the night not a complete bust. Sure, the food was good, and the three plates had definitely been filling; but Tony had made a big show about flirting with the cute waitress after his faux pas of calling you his girl. In fact, the only reason he ordered three was because she recommended them and he just ‘couldn’t decide, they all sounded so amazing.’ He was practically begging her to join the two of you, but she actually had class. And wanted to keep her job.

He was notoriously allergic to any and all types of labels. And/or commitment in general.

So now you were going 10 below the speed limit, because you refused to hold on to him at more than an arms-length.

“(Y/n), we’re going residential and I’m still going to get a ticket because of how slow we’re driving. Will you please just scoot up? I said I was sorry.”

“That’s nice.” You used his dismissive phrase right back at him, and continued barely hanging on with your fingertips.

“Come on, tonight was supposed to be fun.”

“I’m sure Cheri had fun.” Time to bring up the waitress again. Petty fight 101.

“Actually, she asked the manager to ban me from La Chez Marie. Even after I left her a big tip.”

“Maybe don’t write ‘if you think this tip is huge I’ll show you mine’ on the receipt next time.”

You almost fell off as Tony braked from laughing too hard. Still, he caught you by the collar of your un-sexy dress before you scraped your knee. “‘I’ll show you mine.’ I should use that next time. All I did was write my number. Well, actually Pepper’s number. Thought she’d get a kick out of that.”

“That’s why I’m your girl,” you quipped, accidentally using the phrase for the second time today.

“Yeah,” he mumbled quietly, as you mounted the bike once more, reminding you of a certain position you’d been in earlier today. “About that…”

“Maybe we’re just meant to be friends, Tony.” You said what you assumed the both of you were thinking.

“…maybe.” He muttered reluctantly. He recovered quickly. “With benefits?!”

“Nope. Just friends.”

“…well, I’ll think about it,” he responded haughtily. Sheesh, even breaking up with him was a drag. Of course to break up you had to first be officially together. Either way, Tony seemed less than enthused. “Now hold on tight. If we race home, I can catch the last 20 minutes of last week’s Game of Thrones.”

“Oh don’t worry, I read the synopsis! What happens is-“ Your spoiler was interrupted by a screech as he yanked you forward and wrapped your hands around waist, before going at least 80 all the way home.

Home. Like it or not, his tower was yours now.

Great. That made things sooo much less complicated.

 

“How was your date?”

“Out.” You had been all ready to flop into bed for a good cry; you swear this Tony thing was only getting to you because you were PMS-ing. You weren’t overly attached or anything. However, shirtless Clint laying on your sheets was NOT what you needed, as much as your raging hormones told you otherwise.

“Fine.” He got up, surreptitiously flexing his holy biceps. “But two things; I sleep with my door unlocked, and my pants off.”

“Duly noted.” With a straight face, you shoved him out the door and slammed it in his face, before letting your blush spread across your cheeks.

“Go away!” You couldn’t believe he was banging on the door after you kicked him out.

“Oh, that was just me cracking Hawk’s skull.” You opened the door and saw Clint stalking away, clutching his head. “I figured your evening didn’t go as well as planned, and Barton pisses me off on a regular basis. So, win and a win.”

“Thanks Bucks.” He tipped his head all gentlemanly. Hot.

“So you checking out for the night?”

“Hm… it is kind of early.”

“Yeah, it’s like eight.”

“Tony may or may not have broken the sound barrier to make it home in time for GoT. And to keep me from spoiling the ending.”

“Ah.” Having been frozen away multiple times, movie spoilers didn’t really affect the Winter Soldier much anymore.

“So I’m probably going to watch a chick flick and bawl my eyes out.”

“…”

“Kidding. I watch chick flicks to giggle and squee.”

“…okay.”

“Wanna join me?”

“…is it rude to say no?”

“Yes.”

“…still a no.”

“I think yes.”

“No chance.”

“No choice.” You used all your body weight to drag his other foot inside and slam the door. If you were going to watch Legally Blond, you needed someone to gush about Emmett to.

“I see all that wrestling with your ‘bestie’ has finally helped you strengthen your core.”

“Put those fingers away, Barnes.” Only Bucky could look cool while doing air quotes. “Clint and I haven’t fucked yet, and we aren’t about to now.”

“He probably wouldn’t be any good.”

“Oh? Speaking from experience?” You wiggled your eyebrows dramatically, but Bucky merely rolled his eyes.

“As if. No, something about him just screams virgin.”

“Hey, nothing wrong with being a virgin. Except when it’s because you’re so annoying and repulsive no one will sleep with you. Which is what I suspect Clint’s going through.” You raised your voice on the last statement.

“HEY!!!”

“I knew it!! Stop eavesdropping and go away Legolas!!”

“Fine, fine.” Bucky gave you another silent clap as Clint grumbled and crawled away.

“Impressive.”

“Don’t think flattery will get you out of seeing Luke Wilson’s fine ass.”

He let out a deep sigh. “Bring it on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and now you know why it's called civil unrest... because ain't nobody getting any rest in this fic ;)
> 
> give me some love below!! (shut UP tony)
> 
> random ramblings:  
> quick poll 1: WHOOOOOOO NOWWWWW  
> i'm going with tony because - HEAR ME OUT  
> he's being a complete jerk which is usually because HE HAS SOME UNRESOLVED FEELINGS  
> and also because tony is my baby
> 
> although... there's gonna definitely be more bucky in the next few chapters  
> sooooo  
> all of you who are team not-tony *cough sheep cough* get to fight between clint and bucky soon  
> woot woot!!!
> 
> quick poll 2: which part was your fav? fun or feels?  
> mine is probably when bucky bashes Clint for being annoying... although the idea of Clint laying shirtless on my bed when i come home is quite nice too ;) but that moment has both fun AND feels (fun because clint is getting his ass whooped, feels because bucky is being protective bucky)
> 
> props to american dad's haley for the two things; except for her it was she sleeps with her door open and then takes off her shirt and says that just happened  
> go haley!!
> 
> tune in soon for chapter three lovelies!!  
> and also be ready for some angsty shit... since i'm writing fun stuff it only makes sense i'm gearing up some epic angsty-fest for later right? hehehehe
> 
> that's all this time!
> 
> XOXO Bucky (who would bash in clint's head for any of you lovelies)


	3. Things get REAL...chilly. Winter Soldier style

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HOLY CRAPPPP
> 
>  
> 
> JUST READ DAMNIT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TISSUES HUGS AND PANIC ROOMS!!!!
> 
> GIVE ME SOME LOVE IF YOU ENJOYED
> 
> XOXO OMIGOD ITS BUCKY

 

 

“(Y/n), are you crying?”

“Shut up. No. I got dust in my eye. Clint’s fat ass has been shaking the plaster out of the vents.”

“…okay then.”

You honked our nose in your blankets, before pulling them off the bed so the snot wouldn’t anywhere.

“Sorry. I know it’s icky.”

“I’m a soldier. Mucus isn’t one of the bodily fluids that bother me.”

“I bet blood doesn’t either.” You rubbed your eyes furiously, trying to keep up the banter.

“Wow, you were definitely crying.”

“Shut up!!” You scolded yourself mentally. That has got to be the worst graduation speech in history. “The way she says, ‘we did it’ is so gay. I don’t even know why it gets to me.”

“I thought Thor said there was nothing wrong with being gay.”

“There isn’t, it’s a stupid immature expres- wait, Thor is gay?!”

“No, Thor specifically told Stark that there was nothing wrong with homosexuality. Apparently Tony uses that phrase incorrectly quite often.”

“Oh…” You breathed in deeply to get rid of your chick flick sniffles, before perking up. “But wait, Thor didn’t actually say that he himself WASN’T gay, right?!”

“No, but how does that…” he squinted his eyes trying to decipher your logic from a military intelligence perspective, but failed miserably. “Nevermind.”

“Oh good. So Clint and I’s Thor and Loki bet is still going on.”

“The bet is that Thor is gay?”

“No, the bet is that they are both gay for each other!”

Bucky’s eyes bulged out, and you felt immensely proud you could still throw the Winter Soldier for a loop.

“I’m kidding! Although I’ve heard there’s some fanfiction out there that pairs the two of them.”

“Fan-fiction?”

“Yeah it’s like- well, it’s not important. It’s just interesting how much people like gay incest.”

Bucky tried valiantly to think about all those half-naked sorority girls in Legally Blonde, but could only make a deeply disturbed face.

“There’s a whole world up here,” you boasted, tapping your forehead happily.

“That’s for sure.”

“Is that judgement, James Barnes?!”

“Hey, I’d be the last to judge. You know that.” His face got serious, and you felt guilty and giddy all at the same time.

“Well, I am pretty messed up,” you continued in a confiding voice, clinging to every word.

“Well, I win.” He tapped his forehead the way you did yours, with a metal finger.

“You do.” You felt a blanket of sadness drape over you. Poor Bucky, with all his nightmares and haunted past. And here you were, feeling sorry for yourself because Tony was a bad fuckboy.

Somehow the guilt made you feel even more lonely.

Which is the excuse you were going with for why you scooted closer to him and put your head on his shoulder.

 

He didn’t lean in, but he didn’t move away either. This alone, brought you comfort. And some warm fuzzies.

“Sorry I’m all touchy feely.”

“It’s fine.” His voice didn’t get softer, and he kept his posture straight as a board. Still, you felt yourself falling.

“Look; about me and Tony-“

“It’s really none of my business.” He spoke efficiently.

“I just don’t want you to think I’m a slut.”

“I thought you girls were celebrating sexual freedom. Didn’t you and Natasha make ‘sluts with butts’ tshirts?”

How he managed to say that with a straight face was beyond you. You supposed it was all part of his robotic nature.

“Wellllll, Nat refuses to wear hers. And I don’t have anything against people who sleep around, boy or girl. At least, not for that particular reason. I detest Tony for a whole slew of other reasons.”

“I see.”

He couldn’t possibly be interested in this crap, but you were bubbling over like the time Steve put his Mac n Cheese in the microwave for too long.

“Anyway, normally I don’t care what anyone thinks.”

“I believe the term Barton uses is ‘do you boo boo.’”

Now saying that with a straight face was pure talent. You could swear there was a smile hiding behind those blue eyes. Or were they green. Depending on the light…

“(Y/n) you okay?”

To the untrained eye you were bobbing back and forth like a hyper sea otter in a sea of bedsheets; really, though, you were seeing how the shadows changed the colors of his eyes.

“Bucky, can I ask you a question?”

He inclined his head at your suddenly severe tone.

“Are your eyes blue or green?”

This time, a smile crossed his face. “The way your voice sounded, I thought you were going to ask me something important. Or uncomfortable.”

“Like about your past?”

“Like about my past,” he echoed back.

“Nope! I mean, I’m nosy, but I don’t want you to share unless you’re comfortable. When you’re with me, all I want you to do is focus on being happy!”

“If only it were that easy,” he mused.

“It is!” You urged. “Watch.” You gripped one hand on his bionic arm, and put the other one on his shoulder. Then, you leaned in and gave him a big ol’ smackaroo on his cheek.

He turned to you, mystified. You blushed profusely, and recovered quickly. “See? Just like a kiss on the cheek. No work involved, just enjoying! That is, if you did. I mean, it would be awkward if you didn’t. But I could see how… I mean my lips are kind of chapped- and it is a violation of personal space in a way- oh dear maybe I should’ve asked-“

He placed one cool finger against your lips; you shivered at the metallic sting that seemed to travel over your body.

“We’re good, (y/n).”

“Whew!” You let out a noisy breath of relief, and plopped down on your pillows, suddenly exhausted.

“Well, then, I guess I better get going.” He hoisted himself up with his crazy big arm muscles and treaded softly towards the door. “Thanks for tonight.”

“Really?” You looked up hopefully. “You liked the movie?”

“It was pure crap.” Your face fell; it was your second favorite chick flick after Ms. Congeniality.

“But the company was nice.”

And it was like those were the magic words, as you sprang out of bed and rushed him, pulling his shirt off and shoving him into the wall.

“(y/n)-“

“You said you didn’t care.”

“I do,” he countered as you pressed your lips against his half-closed eyes.

“Well you said it was none of your business.”

“Fair enough.”

And the two of you never even made it to the bed.

 

“Wow.”

Bucky put you down slowly as you breathed heavily into his chest.

“Yeah.” Somehow, his voice was slightly husky, even though the previous…events probably didn’t require as much exertion as a normal mission.

“That was…”

“Yeah.”

He leaned his forehead against yours, his sweaty hair falling against your cheeks.

Neither of you could find the words to explain, well, any of this.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were a virgin.” Was the course of action the Winter Soldier decided on.

You looked up at him sharply. “Why?! Was I no good?!”

“No! It’s not that!” He replied quickly, placing his hands on your shoulders to reassure you. “It’s just… well, you know.”

“No I don’t.” You responded indignantly. Great sex was no excuse to be a jerk afterwards, no matter what Tony argued otherwise.

“You seemed so… enthralled by everything.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” The edge had left your voice, but not the suspicion.

“It’s just-“ he shook his head to clear it. It felt murky after… this. “I guess you just seemed excited. And really happy.”

“Satisfied?” You offered, and he nodded rapidly. You knew what he meant now.

“It’s because I was. More than satisfied.”

He chuckled, slightly embarrassed, before putting an arm around your waist and leading you back to bed.

“Goodnight, then,” he offered, staring at the floor.

“Night.”

You tucked yourself into a nice ball, with the blankets around your sweaty form, as he wavered nearby. He wanted to give you a kiss, maybe on the forehead, but he couldn’t find the courage or the way to do it.

You settled on blowing him a kiss so he’d know everything was already. “Don’t worry, Bucky. We’re cool.”

“Good.” He cracked a smile, before running his fingers through his hair all cool, and shuffling towards the door.

“Oh, and Bucky?”

“Mm?”

 

“I am a virgin.”

 

“…what.” He turned to you incredulously as you bunched the sheets in your fists, nervous all of a sudden.

“Well, was.”

He turned and took three giant steps towards you, before turning back around and taking two away. He looked at the floor, then you, then the ceiling, then you again.

“Oh my God.”

“It’s no big deal,” you countered, feeling mortified and slightly ashamed. This is why you hadn’t wanted to say anything. He just seemed so…right, earlier. Now you had gotten vulnerable and spilled your secret.

“No, (y/n). It is a big deal.” He replied grimly, as he grabbed his shirt off the ground and threaded his belt in one motion.

“Why?! It’s not like no one wanted me!” You felt an angry heat rush your cheeks.

“That’s not-“

“It was my own choice. I just never met anyone I wanted-“

“You don’t understand!” He yelled, and you sat up in surprise.

“Then explain it,” you yelled right back.

“It’s not right- I shouldn’t have-“ He sputtered, grasping at words like straws.

“Tell me!” You demanded, upset.

“(Y/n), I have to go.” And with that unsatisfactory answer, he stared straight in front of him, not once looking at you, and speed walked out of there without tripping on his pants legs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
> 
> LEAVE ME A COMMENT!!!
> 
> RANDOM RAMBLINGS:
> 
> QUICK POLL 1: WHO NOW?!?!?!?!?!?!
> 
> i'm still team tony. you guys know why ;)
> 
> poll 2: WHICH PART MADE YOU SHIT YOUR PANTS?!  
> usually that phrase bothers me....this time it seemed appropriate  
> mine is a tie between breaking the fourth wall and talking about my good old thorxloki fans (lots of love to y'all, no judgement!! also it provides endless humor) and bucky and reader's...indiscretion
> 
> WHY I NEVER WRITE LEMONS?!?! BECAUSE. I'M MUCH BETTER AT HUMOR AND MINDFUCKS.  
> also i assume i would use the same words over and over  
> there's only so many times you can hear penis and vagina before it becomes overdone.  
> HELPPPPPPP
> 
> i have never come so blatantly close to THEY'RE DOING IT RIGHT NOW GUYS!!! i don't think... at least, not in the middle of a fic
> 
> HELP HELP HELP
> 
> give me your comments and thoughts, love hearing from y'all
> 
> p.s. legally blonde is awesome... but her graduation speech is really really lame
> 
> XOXO OMIGOD IT'S BUCKY (that's gonna be my new sign off for a while)
> 
> p.p.s. yay for quick updates!!! that's what happens when you guys comment; it encourages me so much <3
> 
> p.p.p.s. the ending is inspired by one of my fav movies (won't really say sine it would be a spoiler... but the guy from parks and recreation is in it... yeah i think it's vague enough) and yes i almost shit my pants when it happened


	4. Fallout 1...and not by Bethesda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WHOOOOO
> 
> TWO CHAPTERS TWO DAYS IN A ROW
> 
> I'M KILLING IT!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things get, well, stay, crazy
> 
> MINDFUCKERY AND BULLSHITERY, COMMENCE NOW!!!
> 
> get ready for some laughs and some big old feels
> 
> and give me a comment if you enjoyed!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky

"YOU DID WHAT?!”

“Steve, that’s the third time. Asking again won’t change the answer.”

“But- she- what about Tony?!”

“What about Tony?” That was the farthest question from Bucky’s mind.

“You cheated-“ Apparently his best friend was empathetic to a fault.

“That has got to be the loosest definition of relationship in the world, Steve. You and Natasha for that one week was more of a relationship than (y/n) and Tony.”

“…oh.” While usually on the up and up, Steve tended to oversimplify, well, innocentify his surrounding happenings.

“Anyway, now I’m in deep shit.”

“No kidding.” For once Steve didn’t balk at the language, further proving his perception of the severity of the situation. “So, how can I help?”

“I don’t know, I just needed to tell someone.”

“So you have no contingency plan?! Or regular plan?!”

“Woah, can you turn off the Captain for even a second?”

“Sorry.” Steve paced around the room, apparently taking this almost harder than his buddy. “Well, I know at least one thing we need to NOT do.”

“Sleep with her again.”

“Yes- come on man!”

“Joke!!” Bucky raised his hands defensively. “I know what you meant. Don’t let Tony find out.”

“Or Clint.”

 

 

“Rise and shine, sleepy head.”

Clint ducked as a pillow narrowly missed his head. “Sheesh, (y/n), it’s almost 12. The last time you slept in this long you four sake bombs the night before. Wait, have you been drinking without me?!”

“Go away!” You pulled the covers over your head and tried to go back to dreamland, where you weren’t an entire mess and your good-looking bestie wasn’t trying to dig information out of you.

“Chillax, girlfriend.” He took a flying leap onto the bed, narrowly missing your feet to land in a heap by your knee. “I’m just here to let you know Tony’s on the warpath.”

“…what.” You narrowed your eyes suspiciously; but you were about 90% sure Clint didn’t know anything about last night…

“I mean, he wants a re-do of yesterday. High heels, coffee, the zoo, Hometown Buffet-“

“Hometown Buffet?!”

“I kid, I kid!!” Clint squeezed your foot reassuringly, but all it did was make you wriggle away like a tapeworm. “I just meant he wanted to take you on a real date. Like, all day date. Like boyfriends do when they’re in high school. And actually care about more than sex.”

“Forgive me if I’m wrong but isn’t sex all high school boys ever think about?”

“You’re forgiven. You’d be surprised what teenagers are able to comprehend in their teeny minds.”

“And, you’re out of here.” You kicked him repeatedly from under the covers so you wouldn’t have to get out in just your underwear; pajamas were not on your mind yestereve.

“Fine!” He rubbed his sore bum as he shimmied up a vent. “But I think it’s actually going to be a nice day today, so maybe don’t leave him blue-balls like you always do.”

This time the vent door slammed shut as the second pillow hit him.

Back in bed, you leaned back and whapped your head so hard on the wall you almost cried.

 

 

“Is a certain almost-agent ready to be wowed?”

Feeling like negative a million bucks, you opened the door in sweatpants and one of bruce’s old t-shirts. It was only slightly ripped, since he managed to stop Hulking-out when Nat the Cat ran out of bathroom in only a towel to try to help with containment.

It had definitely worked.

Still, Tony pretended you weren’t dressed worse than a garbage man. “Come on beautiful, let’s go!”

“…I don’t feel so good.” You faked a cough so lousy Nat the Cat would’ve laughed in your face.

“I know what this is about.” Tony’s face got stern and he put his hands on his hips.

In response, you readied your feet in a defensive stance, coming up with eight comebacks that didn’t include the pot and the kettle.

“I haven’t been a good boyfriend.”

Your jaw dropped so hard you could swear it hit your feet.

“And yeah, maybe I don’t have a right to even call myself that, but damnit I’m going to!”

You leaned against the doorframe, feeling faint and slightly nauseated.

“I know I’m a sex-crazed addict, which I’m sure is quite sexy in and of itself-“

“Uh huh.” About half your guilt was swallowed up immediately.

“But I know I’ve been pushy. And kind of an ass.”

“Kind of.” You weren’t letting him off the hook that easily.

Wait, what hook?! First of all, if there was a hook he should never be let off it. Well, actually that was second of all.

First of all, this wasn’t even a real relationship!

This wasn’t supposed to be a normal relationship!!

Assuming your mental dialogue was about only him, Tony barreled on. “I just want to be a semi-regular couple today.”

“Today,” you echoed.

“Well, fine. More than today. I mean, if you want.” He looked down at his feet all of a sudden, and you felt a huge rush of guilt and affection. Tony Stark was a lot of things, including infuriating and exasperating; bashful was not one of them.

“Tony…” You didn’t have the words for him, and part of you felt like you didn’t owe him them anyway.

The other part of you felt like sobbing and puking.

Iron Butt, however, was having none of that.

Not that he knew what ‘that’ was in the first place.

“Look, you don’t have to give me an answer now.” He put on his proud mask once more. “But I’m taking you out for the date of your life. And afterwards, if you still hate me, we don’t have to have sex.”

“Tony-“

“I swear to God I’m kidding.” He put his hand on his heart. “If you still hate me afterwards, I’ll leave you alone.”

 

 

You stared at him, trying not to punch him in the face and bawl into his chest.

Some part of his insensitive brain managed to comprehend at least a little of your anguish. He pulled you into his arms.

 

 

“Just give me a chance, (y/n). Be my girl; even if it’s only for today.”

And what could you say? What could you do?

So you gave him a small nod, into his shoulder, and turned to go change.

“And just where you off to, Missy?!”

“To put on something presentable.”

“You know I could fuck you in that, right?”

“Bitch-“

“You know what I mean!!” He waggled his finger at you. “You look sexy in anything.”

You slammed the door in his face so you could change; and so he wouldn’t see you almost cry while you laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOOHOOHOOO DAMNIT I GOT SAD AGAIN
> 
> give me some love below!!
> 
> random ramblings:  
> IT'S NOT MY FAULT IT GOT ANGSTY; I SWEAR I WAS JUST TRYING TO WRITE HUMOR. JUST HUMOR.
> 
> quick poll 1: WHOOO NOWWWWW  
> i'm waffling slightly. come on team stark, pull it together!!
> 
> quick poll 2: which part made you laugh the hardest?!  
> mine was when Steve told Bucky not to do something, and bucky immediately thinks don't sleep with lovely again, don't sleep with lovely again
> 
> so far, mum's the word.  
> except for bucky the blabbermouth. but he was feeling bad. and it was only to steve. who most likely won't tell anyone, unless nat the cat manages to seduce+beat him out of it. we'll see....  
> of course i had to add a few teeeensieweensie little mindfucks... like how Clint (and even Tony) might know. i mean, isn't it a little convenient the two of them are working together... the day right after....
> 
> poll 3: which part made you FEELSFEELSFEELSSOHARD? (NOT LIKE THAT TONY)  
> mine is when tony says, i find you sexy in anything  
> because he can barely ever take that asshole mask off... but that's what he's kind of meant the whole time  
> sure he plays the oversexed playboy...and kind of is that oversexed playboy... but reader just has a special effect on him
> 
> if you watch bob's burgers constantly like me you can pick up a bunch of little quips/phrases that have been slipping into my fics... always give credit where credit is due!!! (in this case, there was no more than 2 words ever used at once, so i'm not going to point them out... further fun for anyone who's looking for references!!)
> 
> well, things got real and i have a feeling they're only gonna get realler. maybe i can stall the angst with a date or two... *runs away*
> 
> that's all this time lovelies!! leave me a comment if you enjoyed; you guys keep me going!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Proud Mindfucker


	5. Give Peace A Chance!! Or Tony..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SQUEEEE
> 
> less angst, more fluff
> 
> yes it is still me :P

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because i have a soft spot for a certain billionaire asshole, this chapter comes with popsicles and rainbows
> 
> enjoy the happy feels while it lasts, lovelies!!  
> and give me a comment if you liked!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky (No Mindfucks This Chapter)

“Look at those tigers! They’re so big!!” You squealed as you munched on your mouse-shaped cotton candy.  
You were wearing plain old sneakers, and had Baskin Robbins instead of coffee, but Clint’s whole ‘high-school date’ idea was actually pretty good.  
The fact that you were on it with Tony instead was neither here or there.  
“Man, they are pretty awesome. Mrawr!” He pretended to bite your ear and you punched him in the stomach so you wouldn’t giggle like a school girl. Why was he so annoyingly charming?!  
“We should get one. It could be the Stark Tower mascot.”  
“Only if you let me name it.”  
“Poopy Mc Pooper Pants?”  
“Deal.”

 

“Psst. Urgent whisper. Urgent business.”  
“Clint I’m right next to you. And you are yelling in my ear.”  
“I have a huge problem.”  
“If you say it’s your penis, I will cut it off.”  
“Shut up, Nat. I’m serious.”  
Nat the Cat peered over at the archer. “Do mine ears deceive me. Did you tell me to shut up?”  
“Yes.”  
“Interesting. I won’t kick your ass for that, but only because you gave me the remote last night.”  
“Yeah I was preoccupied.”  
“With?”  
“Well, that’s my problem.”  
“Which is…” As a spy, Clint could avoid the subject for hours.  
“I think I’m falling for my best friend.”  
“I’m flattered, but I’ve turned you down three times this year already.”  
“Not you!!”  
Nat the Cat laughed. “I figured.”  
“You what?!”  
“That whole wrestling fiasco?”  
“You knew?!?!”  
“No, I just had a feeling. Thanks for confirming that, though.”  
“Damn.” He rubbed his head. He was losing his touch. It seemed he had discovered a new weakness. Time to get drastic.  
“Clint, put the scissors down. You are not cutting your heart out.”  
“It’s the only way!!”  
“Or, you could ask her out.”  
“She’s with Tony.”  
“At the moment, yes.”  
“Are you suggesting I become a homewrecker?!?!”  
“Keep your voice down. You want to get Thor involved in this?”

 

“Involved in what?”  
“Speak of the devil,” Nat the Cat muttered as the God of Thunder wandered in.  
“We’re, uh, making bets on when (y/n) and Tony get in a fight again.” Nat the Cat gave him the thumbs up. If the two of them were good at anything, it was bullshitting themselves out of trouble.  
“Oh. Yes I would like to be involved. I give them a week. Two hundred dollars.”  
“Two hundred?!”  
“They seemed practically ecstatic when she called earlier.”  
“You have a cell phone?!”  
“Well, no. I used yours.”  
“What?! How’d you get in? I changed the password after last time!”  
“For the record, I don’t see what’s so witty about 8008.”  
“It spells boob, Thor.”  
“If you say so, Natasha.”  
“Wait, back to the subject at hand.” Clint cleared his throat loudly. “Why’d she call?”  
“She wanted to ask if I could use Mjolnir to liberate an animal or two from the zoo.”  
“The zoo?! That was my idea!”  
“Yes, Brother Stark was quite happy with the suggestion. Apparently you’re his new wingman now; since Bruce is still down with the flu. Huh, how punny. Hawkeye, the Wingman.” Satisfied with himself, Thor walked away without mentioning the bet again.  
“Great. Just, fantastic.”  
“Well, I’d say you’re doing a dandy job in shooting yourself in your foot Clint.”  
“More like my ass.”

 

“Can I ride a giraffe Tony?”  
“Dude, I just got them to lift the lifetime ban after you dived into the alligator pond last year.”  
“Well, I wanted to check my fighting skills in the wild. Besides, I promised not to sue!!”  
“We could’ve just flown to the safari in Africa.”  
“I hate planes.” You shoved him lightly. “The only flying I like is with your suits.”  
“Which is why I will never ever build you one.”  
“What?!”  
“So you’ll always be at the mercy of my whims.” He lifted you around the waist and spun you around, pretending to toss you into the enclosure.  
“Put me down!!” You made a big fuss of kicking and squirming, trying desperately not to fall in love with this crazy man.  
It wasn’t going well.  
“Okay, let’s go get lunch.”  
“But we just ate!”  
“An ice cream bar is not lunch, (y/n).”  
“Don’t be so bossy.”  
“You love it!” He taunted, dragging you by the hand to the Rainforest Café.  
“Aren’t we going to Hometown Buffet?”  
“Hometown Buffet? I thought you hated that place.”  
“I do.” You turned to look at the flamingos, and to keep him from seeing the incredibly dorky grin on your face.

 

“Check.”  
“Right.”  
“Bucky, that’s the third time you tried to counter my check by moving your King like a knight.”  
“I happen to be a bit preoccupied, Steve.”  
“If you’re thinking about what to say to (y/n), I’d suggest you don’t.”  
Bucky lifted an eyebrow; that was strange advice coming from Steve. “Talk it out” was practically his life motto.  
“I know, it’s not my normal routine. But this is a special case. A very delicate one.”  
“She said it was no big deal.”  
“And you feel the same way?”  
“So what if I do?”  
“Considering you’ve been flexing and unflexing your metal hand for the past hour, I’d say otherwise.”  
“You know me too well.” He looked away and slowly tipped over his King. He couldn’t focus on the game anymore.  
“I’m your best friend, Buck. And I happen to know you’re not very good at communication.”  
“You understand me just fine.”  
“Probably because we’re both centuries old.”  
He laughed dryly.  
“If (y/n) feels like this needs talking about, she’ll approach you. If she doesn’t, you can just pretend it never happened.”  
“Who are you and what have you done with Steve Rogers?”  
“I know, I know. I think my morals are slipping.” He shook his head. “It’s just (y/n) has been mopey for the whole month. I think she just needed to blow off some steam.”  
“And blow off some other things,” Bucky mumbled.  
“What?”  
“Nothing.”  
“Anyway, things are already complicated enough with her and Tony’s, uh, arrangement.”  
“Which would be…”  
“I think Clint called it ‘friends with benefits.’ I mean, I don’t think Tony offers any great benefits, but it’s their choice…”  
“The benefits part means sex, Steve.”  
“Oh!” Steve turned a nice shade of purple. “Well, I figured.”  
“Then why are you blushing?”  
“I like things better when they’re implied.”  
“Well, then consider it implied. Because they haven’t had sex yet.”  
“They- WHAT?!”  
Bucky decided not to mention the fact that before himself, you had never had sex with anyone. He’d save that for another time when Steve wasn’t on the edge of a hernia.

 

“So, are you having fun?”  
“Maybe.” You were walking around the Panda Pavilion with an arm around his shoulder. He said holding hands was too gay. Which was cogently inaccurate, but whatever.  
“Ready to go home?”  
“But it’s barely 4!” You whined.  
“I just want to strip you naked, that’s all.”  
“Ugh, you pig!” You elbowed him in the ribs, both upset and relieved that he was acting like an asshole. No need to feel guilty about that…incident. With Bucky.  
Your palms got sweaty as you remembered his chest pressed against yours.  
“If you’re worried you won’t be any good, don’t be. I’m perfectly content to do all the work.” He stretched exaggeratedly, showing off his admittedly good pecs.  
Not nearly as good as someone else’s though.  
And another someone else’s.  
“Come on, (y/n), throw me a bone.”  
“I think you have enough bones as it is.”  
He tipped back his head to let out a loud guffaw. “Fair enough. Now, if you’re done disappointing my dick, I have another surprise for you.”  
“As long as it’s not your penis, I’m game.”  
“No promises.”

 

“So what were you saying about Tony and (y/n) earlier?”  
Clint was owning the treadmill, trying to work off both his lunch and his sexual frustration.  
“I said they’re together at the moment.”  
“Were you suggesting that I try to break them up?”  
“Actually I meant it purely as fact. They are together at the zoo. They are doing well right now. That’s all.”  
“So do you think I should just let them be?”  
“It’s up to you.”  
“What kind of advice giver are you?!”  
“Telling you what to do isn’t giving advice, Clint.”  
“Well you know I need someone to boss me around!”  
“In that case, (Y/n) and you would be great together.”  
“I know, right?” Clint slowed his pace slightly to put his arms behind his head and daydream.  
Nat the Cat snickered and turned the speed up by 10x.  
“AUGH!!!”

 

“Don’t you dare try to ruin (y/n)’s happiness. Got it, Barton?”  
Clint replied with his face mashed on one of the treads. “Yes ma’am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SQUEEEEEE
> 
> give me some love, baby!!!
> 
> Random ramblings:
> 
> poll 1: how do you feel about the name poopy mcpooper pants? JUSTKIDDING, WHO NOW?!?!  
> i gave tony a boost this chapter. Not only because i'm biased, but because he was seriously lagging in the polls.  
> and also it's more angsty when the guys you have to pick between are all awesome
> 
> poll 2: squee-est part? there was a bit of cuteness overload this chapter (at least for me). i put plenty of dirty humor in there to balance it out ;) gotta stay Bucky after all  
> mine is probably when nat the cat pranks clint; and tells him to back off  
> i was gonna have nat the cat be team clint, but since steve isn't exactly team bucky, it wouldn't be fair  
> so far everyone is just team you; they want you to be happy  
> huehuehue
> 
> since i cannot handle having more than six characters at once, thor usually gets thrown under the bus. luckily, this time he's out of commission, so thor can make fun cameos. you're welcome you-know-who ;)
> 
> poll 3: what do you think of steve's advice?  
> i needed to include a mini-mindfuck after all. normally i would have steve do his whole talk it out thing as it seems more sensible.  
> however, if steve were to not know that bucky took lovely's virginity, it could cause him to think it's better to pretend none of it happened.  
> plus if he truly believes it was a one-time fling and that neither of you are feeling attached to each other, why make it awkward?  
> see i used his innocence to thicken the plot. muahaha.  
> by the way, i think it was kind of terrible advice.
> 
> that's all this time lovelies!! i'm on an updating roll!!
> 
> please leave a comment; love to hear from you guys
> 
> XOXO Bucky (I threw a mindfuck in there whadayaknow)


	6. More Crack, Because Reading is Addicting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No tissues, just laughs this time!!
> 
> I've got lots of angst planned, but I promised a couple chapters of dates/escape-from-utter-madness so here's a filler
> 
> just kidding, i never do fillers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everyone gets along...ish?
> 
> there's so much more i plan to write but i love surprising people with my fast updates, so here's another chapter!!
> 
> give me some love if you liked!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky (No Mindfucks Today, Honest)

 

“For the last time, (y/n), I am not gay.”

“Okay, fine. Well, what about your brother?”

“Loki? What about him?”

“Is he gay?”

“No! Well, not that I know of. But how is that of any pertinence?!”

“Because he might be in love w- ow!!!”

“Gimme that!” Iron Butt grabbed the phone from you. “Thor, stop calling (y/n) on our date. There’s a reason I took away your Android privileges.”

“I will hang up as soon as (y/n) tells me where she hid the toaster.”

“I’ll never tell!!” You squealed into the receiver, before hanging up by chucking your phone into the third lane of traffic. Whoops.

“Do you even think before you do things?!” Tony was less than amused, probably because the contract was in his name, and on his family plan.

Yes, he put you on his family plan. No, that wasn’t cute. Not even a little. Grr.

“…no.”

“Hmm, the fact that you didn’t answer that instantaneously is pretty ironic, don’t you think?”

“You’re ironic!”

“That doesn’t even make sense.”

“Yes it does! Ironic. Iron-ic. Iron-ic Man!” You clapped your hands, proud of yourself.

“Okay, no more sugar for you.”

“Whyyy?!” You leaned over and headbutted him, causing him to veer into the next lane and the cars behind you to honk loudly.

“Jesus, (y/n)! You trying to get us killed?!”

“Well, the Honk if You’re Horny bumper sticker was still a good idea.”

“…I’ll give you that one.”

You nodded happily, before plopping your head into his lap as he continued speeding past pedestrians.

“You know you’re only giving me dirty ideas by doing that, right?”

“Don’t make me bite your on your penis.”

Five seconds of awkward silence passed as you slowly withdrew your head and turned it 100 degrees away to stare out the window.

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.”

“Say what?”

“Exactly.”

 

 

“Bro, I need to talk to you.”

“Hmm?”

Bucky looked from The Art of War at the brunette archer.

“Do you think (y/n) and I would make a good couple?”

Bucky raised an eyebrow. “Why do you want my opinion on that?”

“That’s a weird answer. Or not-answer.”

“Well, it’s a weird question.”

“How?!”

“Well it’s a normal question; it’s weird that you’re asking me.”

“What? We can talk, homie.”

“Yes, ‘homie’, but we don’t. Unless it’s about missions or training.”

“What, so I can’t be actual friends with you?”

“Just strange that you’re starting now.”

“Hey, the door’s always open. And always was; so if you’re salty that I’m only asking now, the responsibility lays squarely on your shoulder for not doing it sooner.”

“And, this is why I didn’t.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. You’re a twat.”

The two faced each other, both in terrible moods and suspicious of each other, but unable to explain why. To each other, or to themselves.

The best course of action was to punch Barton in the mouth.

Or, leave the room.

 

As Bucky stalked off with his hair streaming behind him, Clint mused with irritation to himself, “At least he’s finally learning the slang.”

 

 

“So, you find yourself fancying any of the boys, Natasha?”

“I thought we went over this; the Mean Girls quote is ‘so, have you seen any boys that you think are cute?’”

“I prefer my version. More refined.”

“Either way, it’s none of your business.”

“Come now, we’re chums.”

“We are, but a: I don’t talk guys with you and b: I know you’re just buddying up to me to find the toaster.”

“Damnit, woman!” Thor crossed his bulging arms and ground his teeth. “Why must the two of you conspire against me?”

“Well, we told you to stop using the word wench. And broad. And tramp.”

“Oh, so those are taboo, but bitch and slut are not?!”

“Those are too.”

“So why haven’t you taken Brother Stark or Barton’s prized possessions?!”

“The toaster isn’t a prized possession. It’s not like we took Mjolnir or anything.”

“That’s because you are not worthy.”

“Keep talking like that and you’ll never find see the toaster again.”

Thor decided on the path of silence. After a few more death glares that Nat the Cat pointedly ignored, he trotted off.

 

 

“Doesn’t he know he can just buy one for like 10 dollars?”

“Quiet, Steve!”

“Right.” He smiled quirkily. “Although he does have a point, Natasha.”

“Yeah?”

“It is a little hypocritical to only punish him and not the others.”

“Oh, you’re mistaken. I burned Clint’s porn collection, and (y/n) threw Tony's 64 inch LCD TV in the pool.”

“…yikes.”

“Yep. She’s really getting stronger.”

“Good for her.” Steve stopped suddenly. “Wait, what about Clint’s 1975 special edition Playboy?!”

“Yeah, that too.”

 

 

And the Captain of Good Old USA slumped onto the ground in sorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i lied, i found a mindfuck. right in the first paragraph too. KEEKEKE
> 
> leave a comment below!!
> 
> random ramblings:  
> poll 1: ya know the drill  
> i can honestly say i don't know right now  
> i was re-reading from the beginning, and while bucky and tony stand out equally, clint has a lotttt of potential. ;)
> 
> poll 2: which part made you giggle?  
> I'm tied between thor trying to convince nat the cat to find his toaster, and steve silently wilting at the loss of pam anderson (or whatever issue that year was)
> 
> i love the tension i added between bucky and clint.. i don't see them particularly being either close or enemies, so this was the perfect way to spice up a neutral relationship  
> yes it's kind of weird clint asked bucky about lovely...  
> yes it's weird that bucky found clint overly suspicious...  
> which in turn made clint suspicious..
> 
> NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING EXCEPT ME. AND YOU GUYS. MUAHAHA
> 
> i'm bursting with ideas, but i better go rest now, i'm fighting this awful, terribad cold.  
> yes, i'm dying of sickness but i'm still writing because i love you guys. :*
> 
> Thats all this time lovelies!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky (Who Sometimes Includes Mindfucks On Accident)


	7. Everyone Wants A Monopoly...on You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the long-awaited next installment of mindfuckery known as civil unrest  
> keep those comments coming lovelies!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in case you've felt that my last 5 angsty fics did not have enough mindfucks in them, here you go!!
> 
> also in case you need something to make you feel something besides completely and utter despondence
> 
> here's some fun bullshittery for y'all!!
> 
> crack and fluff with just a tad of angst- leggo!!!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Mindfucker

“(Y/n)?”

“Shush, Tony, someone’s at the door.”

“Uh, it’s me.”

“It’s Bucky, Tony. Let me go get him.”

“We’re on a date!”

“We’re in my room playing Monopoly. The date ended when I took off my shoes.”

“Fine. But I’m taking your Park Place.”

There was scuffling and a muffled oof as Bucky leaned against the door frame and tried to look casual.

He never felt this awkward before.

He never felt this much of anything before.

Except maybe controlled rage.

 

“What’s up, Bucks?”

“Uh, hey. I wanted to talk to you.” Having taken his best friend’s advice to heart, Bucky decided to do the exact opposite.

“Can it wait? I’m kind of busy.” You looked over your shoulder at Tony trying to steal your hotels and bared your teeth at him. He merely wolf-whistled back and began to sort his money.

“Well it’s about-“

“Tony cut that out!!” Tony looked up guiltily from your property stash and replaced Marvin Gardens carefully. “Sorry, hon, what was that?” You turned back to the handsome Soldier before you.

“I just think, you know-“

“Don’t move, Tony. I’m coming back in half a second.” You heard exactly 1 percent of what Bucky had been saying since you were policing the big old cheater in your room. You turned back towards him expectantly, thinking he’d start over.

“If you want to forget the whole thing-“

“No, I’m listening!” You urged, completely missing what he was alluding to, and at that moment completely forgetting about what had happened between the two of you, only because Tony was stuffing half the bank down his pants.

“I guess I just wanted to say that if it meant something to you… well, it doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does!” Having no clue what he was talking about, you didn’t want him to walk away while you were still confused.

“Either way… it mattered to m-“

 

“Get that out of your boxers!!”

 

Forgetting about the hottie at your door, you rushed over to the bed so Tony would stop stealing all your stuff.

Unfortunately, Bucky saw none of what was going on, and assumed the worst.

Or dirtiest.

 

“Hey, get your hands off!”

Bucky closed the door with a soft thud, staring at his feet, completely numb.

Apparently you were so horny even Tony was asking you to cool it.

He quickened his pace as he tried to focus on his breathing.

In, out. In, out.

He cursed as he remembered the naughty joke you had made about that during…that incident.

Apparently it had meant nothing to you.

Of course, you had said nothing before to make him think otherwise; which only made him more furious.

He was frustrated at himself for taking offense, for reacting to your virginity in such a pompous and oversensitive way, and for being angry now that you were in that idiot’s arms.

He stormed into the elevator and jammed at the 3rd floor to get to the gym.

As the doors closed, the 3 button clattered against the ground in a crumple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OHHH SNAPPPPPPP
> 
> leave some love below!!
> 
> random ramblings:  
> quick poll 1: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
> i'm not telling you my answer because it might ruin the fic; or maybe i haven't fully decided yet
> 
> quick poll 2: which line made you laugh the hardest?  
> mine is when tony puts marvin gardens back guiltily  
> marvin gardens is haunted in my family; it only gets landed on once per game no matter how long the game is, whether someone buys it or not  
> usually whoever lands on it decides not to buy it, just to see if the curse will continue. and it does.
> 
> poor bucky. i cant WAIT for the confused fallout ;)
> 
> anyone else confused, or was it abundantly clear that everything dirty sounding was related to Tony trying to cheat at monopoly? :P i have a naughty mind and it makes for some great fics
> 
> that's all this time; i know it's short but i've been working hard on about 10 different fics. so give me so encouragement below, and i'll see you lovelies next time!
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Lovely Mindfucking Angstmaster (i wonder how long my 'nickname' is gonna end up)


	8. Winter Soldier, you're too Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MINDFUCKMINDFUCKMINDFUCK  
> READMEREADMEREADME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOOOO updating so fast :O
> 
> YOU'RE WELCOME MY LOVELIESS
> 
> NOW TAKE YOUR SOCKS OFF BEFORE THEY GET KNOCKED OUT BY THIS CHAPTER
> 
> and leave me a comment if you liked!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky THE MINDFUCKER

“What are you doing up so late?”

You saw the dim figure of a long-haired man in front of a muted T.V. screen.

“Couldn’t sleep.”

You hummed in agreement as you popped open the fridge to make a PB and J.

“You?”

“I always get the munchies.” Your reply was muffled by the vegetable crisper as you wondered if Thor had used all the jelly on his pop-tarts.

“Guess I should’ve grabbed you a snack yesterday, then.”

You let out a sigh at the memory of that night. “You were more than great, already.”

His dry laugh crackled through the space between you. “I should say the same to you, then.”

“Beginner’s luck.”

You didn’t hear him rise from the sofa; he was there when you turned from the fridge empty-handed.

“I don’t know how you do it.”

You gave him a curious look. “Pretty sure you gave me a demonstration yesterday, if my memory serves me right.”

He chuckled, causing the hairs on your arm to prickle.

 

“I mean, I don’t know how you manage to wrap everyone around your little finger.”

 

“I wasn’t aware I even had that ability.” You backed away slowly, wondering if he said ‘little’ out of disdain or affection. This voice was new to you, and harder to read. Either way, it made you feel uneasy.

“It’s subtle,” he noted, stepping towards you not unlike a dog stalking a rabbit.

But you had always told Tony you were too old to be a playboy Bunny.

“Many men can be manipulated through sex. But somehow you’ve managed without. Except, I suppose, for me.”

“Funny, I thought women were the ones who became incompatibly attached during one-night stands.” You weren’t sure why he was getting aggressive, but if sex had something to do with it, you weren’t putting up with shit.

“Attached isn’t the word I’d use.” He sounded only partly cold.

“And incompatibly?”

“Being replaced by Stark would be an indicator.”

If you were following his train of thought correctly, he was either interested and expressing it in the most unhealthy way possible, or a sociopath.

 

“If you want something, you should say something.”

 

Was the best all-encompassing response you could come up with.

“Don’t flatter yourself with a matter of pure ego, (y/n).” His voice had hardened.

“Who’s ego are we talking about, exactly?” You returned, trying to match his tone. You didn’t have it in you to turn irate in two seconds, though.

 

 

“Let’s just say, if you’re going to be a whore, you can at least show some discernment with your playthings. Particularly if you’re thinking of trading up.”

 

 

You felt a sting inside your chest as you gripped the counter with your right hand so you wouldn’t return his figurative strike with a literal blow.

 

“Who I choose to ‘play’ with, Bucky, is none of your concern.” You had no eloquent retort stored away for this out-of-the-blue scene.

 

“I’m no expert, but I’d wait until the blankets cooled before you fucked someone else in them.”

Were his parting words as he strode out of the room, like he thought he was a hero.

 

 

You waited until he was down the hall before you slammed your hand so hard on the counter that the edges splintered off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
> 
> GIVE ME SOME LOVE BELOW!!!
> 
> RANDOM RAMBLINGS:  
> POLL 1: DID YOU SEE THIS COMING  
> i mean obviously bucky was pissed last chapter, but this was too much
> 
> poll 2: DOES IT CHANGE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM  
> again i must rescind my answer because i don't want to give any hints about future chapters
> 
> poll 3: WHAT POLL 1 USUALLY IS....WHOOOOO  
> I MUST ABSTAIN FROM ANSWERING THIS AS WELL
> 
> HOLY CRAP THIS GOT REAL  
> SOOOO REALLLL
> 
> i have nothing left to say except that after 3 years of making my own lunches in middle school, i can no longer look at pb+j's with much positivity
> 
> DON'T WORRY LOVELIES, THE NEXT CHAPTER IS COMING SOON. REALLY SOON.
> 
> XOXO Bucky Angstfucker/Mindmaster


	9. My Other Half

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FEELSFEELSFEELS  
> README  
> AND LEAVE A COMMENT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after the mindfucking angst, here's some more!!!
> 
> or not...
> 
> since it's a mindfuck i guess i can't tell you anyway.
> 
> Give me some love below!!! As the adventure continues!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky Angstmaster/Mindfucker

“Holy shit! The fuck happened?!”

“Just a little accident.”

Clint saw you sitting on the bathroom floor with a red-splotched towel.

“Pretty sure that’s not from the time of the month,” Clint mouthed off, but he got closer to investigate anyway.

“Cut myself on the kitchen counter, that’s all.” You kept your tone completely casual as you dipped a cotton ball in the foul-smelling alcohol.

“I told Tony glass was a bad idea,” Clint grumped, as he kneeled next to you to check on your hand.

“Luckily I got my tetanus.” You joked, as you poked your wound with a pair of tweezers. “Fuck!”

“Sheesh, you’re gonna hurt yourself some more. Let me do it.” Clint bossed, as he twisted your hand this way and that so he could see it in proper lighting.

“Careful! It’s a body part, not an arrow!”

“Yeah, I take better care of my arrows.”

You tried to punch him, but forgot he was currently holding that hand. “You’re lucky I’m fatally injured, buttwipe.”

“It’s a flesh wound. Stop being so dramatic.” Satisfied that there were no pieces of glass wedged in your palm, he jammed the disinfectant onto it.

“Bitch!” You exclaimed, more about the situation than your best friend. He could’ve been a lot gentler, though.

“That’s for the buttwipe comment.” He gave your hand another squeeze, making you yelp. “Don’t antagonize someone who’s trying to help you.”

“Yes, mom.”

 

“Seriously, (y/n). It looks bad.”

 

“Don’t get all sensitive on me, Barton. There’s a reason we’re best friends. And if I can’t be a pottymouth around you, we might as well turn in our BFF bracelets.”

“They’re necklaces,” he corrected, remembering the magnetic heart charms that you got in lieu of matching tattoos when you got smashed two years ago. “And I wasn’t talking about your attitude-”

“Good. I don’t need someone else getting judgey on me.”

“Someone else?” He cocked his head at you, but you gave him a “you better finish your last sentence” face. “Anyway, I was talking your hand. It’s pretty fucked up.”

“So sue me. Actually, sue Tony. For dangerous furniture. And eating all the peanut butter.”

“That was me.”

“What?! Why?!”

 

“The celery was gonna go bad.”

 

You bugged your eyes at him and his outrageous logic. He crossed his eyes right back at you, making the ache in your stomach lessen. You stuck your tongue out at him so you wouldn’t laugh yourself to death.

“Well, thanks for helping me fix up my hand. Even though I could’ve done it myself.”

“Whatever, Miss Independent.”

“Yes I am, and I’m proud of it!”

“Doesn’t mean you don’t need help once in a while.” He teased.

“I ain’t no punk bitch!” You stated confidently, grabbing a roll of gauze and wrapping up your hand and hopefully the conversation.

“Fine, fine.” He stood up and stretched, purposely not sticking out an arm to help you up. So you used your less-than-stellar ab muscles to bumble onto your feet.

 

“I take it your date went well, otherwise.”

“Yeah, it was fun.” You gave him the side-eye; the date and your ‘accident’ had nothing to do with each other, and he knew it.

“So I don’t have to beat Tony up for you.” He crossed his arms to look more badass. Surprisingly, it worked.

“Hey, if I want to beat him up I can do it myself. And I can beat you up too, for your information.”

“Alright, take it easy, Tiger.” He raised his hands in the universal ‘back-off’ gesture.

“That’s right.” You tossed your hair over your head dramatically, the way you and Nat did when the Pantene commercial came on (and nobody else was watching).

“Guess you don’t need me for anything then.” He mused, as you headed back to the scene of the crime to clean up.

“Damn straight.”

 

You walked purposefully to the closet for some paper towels. When you turned back, he was in the same spot, looking in your direction thoughtfully.

 

“I suppose I could use some help mopping up the kitchen.” You almost didn’t bring it up.

“This from Self-Proclaimed-Superwoman?”

You kicked the ground, embarrassed despite his wink; or perhaps because of it.

“It’s still nice when you offer,” you mumbled.

Like the jackass he was, he replied. “In this instance I don’t recall doing so.”

“Forget it,” you quipped, glad your blush wouldn’t reach your cheeks thanks to his own self-depreciation.

All you needed to not fall for him was for him to be himself.

 

“You know I’m just giving you a hard time.” He commented, as he followed you back to the kitchen.

“What are friends for, right?”

“And boyfriends too, judging by your poor choice in men. Or robot.” He didn’t realize he was right in more ways than one. Two, to be exact.

“I think I’m going to join the clergy and become abstinent.” You retorted, looking for the Windex.

“So things didn’t go well today, then?”

“It’s not that.”

“You’re not making sense, Missy.” He wagged his finger at you, before elbowing you out of the way so he could be the one to clean up instead. Even when he was nice, he was a jerk.

You were glad you could count on him to be Just Clint.

“One good date doesn’t equal a relationship.”

“It can.”

“Well one good date after eighty meh ones…”

“You guys went on 80 dates before?!” He stopped mid basket-ball motion to throw away the stained paper towels.

“It’s an expression, hon.”

“Exaggeration,” he corrected, before landing the shot behind his back without turning away from you. “I was gonna say, 80 dates without sex is harsh, even for you.”

“Even for me?!” There were so many irritating things about that statement, nay, assumption; you weren’t sure where to begin.

“Chillax, girl.” He pulled you by the arm to the couch where a certain fuckboy had been sitting earlier. “I, for one, see nothing wrong with holding out on a dude.”

“What is it with the Tower guys and their strange idolization of virginity?!” You fumed.

“Woah, let’s not even go there.” You glared at him, but he shook his head at your implication. “Who you had sex with first is no one’s business.”

“Who I have sex with at any point is no one’s business.” You corrected, secretly appreciating his overall decency about the previous subject.

“Potato, pringles.”

“That’s not-“

 

 

“Just shut up for a second.”

 

 

You widened your eyes at his sudden seriousness, before narrowing them again. You were not letting someone else get away with talking trash, especially your bestie.

 

“You have the right to screw, snuggle, or be with anyone you want to-”

“Thanks Oprah-“

“Not finished!!” He pressed a calloused finger against your lips; the contrast of rough against smooth was surprisingly nice.

 

“And whoever that happens to be, better damn appreciate you.”

 

He spoke so authoritatively, it took you almost half of a whole minute to respond.

“Well…thanks, man.”

He nodded, self-affirming. “But you should know everyone’s gonna talk about it whether you like it or not.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.” As usual, sweetness followed by asshat-ness. You settled into the cushions, comforted by this status quo.

 

Abruptly, he stood up and walked away.

 

“The heck? What’s wrong, man?”

You peered at your friend, who had begun pacing back and forth in front of you.

You got up off the couch when he started waving his hands like a maniac.

“Dude. Clint. What’s the matter?”

 

“Tell you something you don’t know, (y/n)?!” He burst back, bringing back the uneasiness you had felt earlier. You put your hands on your hips and slid your feet shoulder-width apart, ready for anything.

 

 

“If you knew what was good for you, you’d be with me.”

 

 

As the second man walked out on you mid-conversation tonight, you felt yourself more conflicted than before.

More than Tony’s changing attitude towards you.

More than Bucky’s borderline-psycho tantrum.

The typical juxtaposition of sweetheart and asshole left you split in half for your other half;

 

 

Insulted at his assumption that he could run your life better.

And swept away by the hidden promise that he’d treat you right. So right.

 

 

“How’d you know I hadn’t slept with Tony?”

You weren’t going to be abandoned into loneliness this time.

He didn’t turn to look at you, but shook his head in response.

“I didn’t.

I just hoped to God I was right.”

 

As you approached him, you tried to remember the last person you had kissed. Truly kissed.

Somehow neither the past few months with Tony nor the heated moments with Bucky had brought anything.

“I changed my mind, (y/n). I don’t want that pity fuck anymore.” Was what your archer said when you slipped your arms around his waist.

There were too many words, such as ‘why the fuck would you assume that about me’ or ‘you should be so lucky’ or even ‘that’s not what this is about,’ but you were tired of talking without getting anywhere.

So you just hoped that if he thought he knew you so well, that he’d understand this.

 

 

“Clint, I’m cold.”

 

 

He stood still, his arms at his sides as you hugged him from behind, for what must have been only seconds that seemed like hours.

Finally, he spoke.

“Let’s get you warm, then.”

 

Then he turned around and held you tight, walking you slowly back to your room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CLINT IS LOVE. CLINT IS LIFE.
> 
> LEAVE A COMMENT FOR CLINT BELOW. OR FOR ME. THAT WORKS TOO.
> 
> random ramblings:  
> POLL 1: WHOOOOOO  
> as usuall i can't tell you ;P
> 
> poll 2: squee-est part?!  
> mine is the celery. i abhor celery but will eat it with peanut butter and raisins, if necessary. ants on a log, peeps!  
> actually that whole bit involving suing tony for furniture
> 
> poll 3:DOES THIS CHANGE YOUR VIEWS ON CLINT/YOU  
> IF SO, HOW  
> COMPLETE SENTENCES PLEASE.  
> just kidding. i'm no english teacher. ch4tsp34k friendly
> 
> GUYS YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW CRAZY IT IS GOING TO BE WRAPPING THIS UP.  
> EVEN AS I'M THINKING ABOUT A WRAP-UP I KEEP THROWING IN TWISTS.  
> THIS IS TURNING INTO 90-YEAR-OLD-VIRGIN ALL OVER AGAIN.  
> HELP.
> 
> hope you enjoyed this chapter, lovelies!!! give me a shout-out below; you guys keep me going!!! see you soon!
> 
> XOXO Bucky Angstfucker/Mindmaster
> 
> p.s. i'm thinking about making a facebook, probably Bucky Mindfucker (middlename) Lovely, or angstmaster if they don't allow cusswords.


	10. Eye-Opening for Tony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HELPPPPPP
> 
> I'VE STARTED A MINDFUCK FIC AND I CAN'T STOP
> 
> LEAVE A MESSAGE AT THE END OF THE FIC *beeep*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JUST READ
> 
> AND GIVE ME MAD PROPS YO
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Mindfucktress

“What is this?!”

Steve waved his phone furiously in front of his basically-brother’s face.

“It appears to be a cellphone, Steve.”

“Look at what’s on it!”

“A picture.”

“It’s (y/n)’s hand!!”

Bucky peered closer at Steve’s 1995 flip-phone, frowning. “Damn.”

“I don’t know how, but somehow you’re responsible!!”

Bucky gave him an incredulous look.

“What are you talking about?”

 

“I know you did something wrong, Buck. I don’t know what it is, but I’m going to figure it out. So you might as well fess up now!”

He would’ve smiled at his best friend’s antics if he wasn’t 200% guilty. “Why would you assume-“

“Don’t deny it!” Steve fumed, nearly shoving Bucky in his valiant search for the truth.

“Honest to God, Steve, I have no idea what happened to her hand. I didn’t even know she hurt it until you kindly informed me just now.”

“Hmm.” Steve put his phone away, still staring suspiciously at the other Supersoldier. “Well, fine. But don’t think you’re off the hook.”

“If you say so.” Bucky stared right back at him for a moment. “How’d you get that picture anyway?”

“Clint sent a tower-wide text saying he was going to find out whoever did this and castrate them.”

 

“And if it was Natasha?”

“You don’t want to know, Bucky.”

 

 

“Rise and shine, sleepy head.”

The words were entirely different when not spoken by one bursting into the room, whether from the vents or through the door.

“Morning.”

You snuggled against Clint as he yawned into your ear.

“Your breath stinks.”

“Like yours is minty fresh. You didn’t brush your teeth last night either.”

You enjoyed this semi-cuteness for half a second before you were rudely interrupted.

Apparently someone had to violate your personal privacy every single morning.

 

“Okay, I know this wasn’t me, so we’ve narrowed down the suspects!”

 

Tony stopped short at the sight of too-close besties. “That’s it. Get out.”

“It’s my room, Tony.”

“I’m talking to HawkButt over there.”

“It’s still my room. I get to decide who stays.”

“Don’t make me get my suit!” Tony half-joked, half-warned. Clint stretched languidly, exaggeratedly taking his time as he slowly trotted away.

“I’ll get you some breakfast, (y/n).”

“Just please, man, no more eggs.”

 

Tony slammed the door as soon as Clint’s second food crossed the threshold. At least he didn’t look thoroughly pissed.

“(y/n), I’m trying to be understanding, but enough is enough!”

“…the heck?!” You weren’t sure if it was your morning grogginess, or if everyone was really going bat-shit insane.

“I know you guys are tight. You can even wrestle in a borderline-sexual way. Just please, please, please; no more sleeping together!”

You bit your lip, trying to decide whether to be annoyed or thrilled. Probably a mixture of both. “Pretty sure I can sleep with whoever I want to, Tony.”

 

“You can have sex with anyone you want to, (y/n). But actual sleeping is different!” He corrected.

 

“The f- How-“ You gaped at him with goldfish eyes at this preposterous statement.

“Sex is sex. I’m the first to own that as fact. Or life motto. But falling asleep in someone’s arms; that’s different.”

You were unable to sit up when confronted with this revelation from the Playboy himself.

“And I won’t have any of that, (y/n).”

He crossed his arms, leaving behind his usual ego for actual disappointment.

 

“I thought you hated cuddling.”

 

It was easier than trying to untangle this twisted web that you’d been finding yourself in lately.

Easier than figuring out what was a real relationship, what was petty jealousy;

Easier than forgetting what love was.

 

He gave you an exasperated sigh.

“Of course I do, (y/n).”

You rolled your eyes right back, grateful he was still a dick.

 

 

“Making an abstinent man share the bed with someone as sexy as you is torture, (y/n).”

 

 

Your jaw dropped as you saw him in the morning light, somehow in all his douchiness becoming vulnerable.

Somehow, the fact he hadn’t hooked up with anyone while you were not-really-together hadn’t stood out quite the way it did now.

 

“I didn’t expect…” you trailed off, knowing at once that it didn’t take a saint to not bang any girl that walked his way, and still holding on to the truth that it meant something coming from him.

He shook his head, so you said no more.

“I know you didn’t ask me to, (y/n).

I know that anyone would’ve done the same if they had any common decency.”

You looked away into your lap at the sudden insinuation, feeling something rising in your chest.

 

“Woah.”

He stopped mid-declaration-of-feelings to narrow his eyes at you. “Did you-“

You snapped your head up to face him head-on, but he precluded himself. “You know what? I don’t care. It doesn’t matter.”

“You wouldn’t have a right to judge.”

“And I won’t.” He closed his eyes for a moment at the thought that you’d been with someone else; was it regret? “But, if you did…”

You waited for his double-standard prejudice to knock you back like the last few days had.

 

 

“Next time, let it be me.”

 

 

Maybe he expected you to pull you under the sheets and rip off his pants, and maybe you wanted to;

Instead, you slipped off the bed with a shy smile, tentatively walking toward him.

 

“Kiss me?”

 

It was a request, perhaps even an imposition as your morning breath was fearsome to behold, or be-smell.

But he approached you deliberately, stopping just shoulder-length apart to put his arms on yours.

 

“God, you’re fucking beautiful.”

 

And you never thought a kiss could taste so sweet.

 

 

“You know I love you and all, (y/n), but your breath really, really stinks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
> 
> random ramblings:  
> poll 1: YOU KNOW THE DRILL
> 
> poll 2: WHATS THE CUTEST PART  
> mine is when tony bursts in with his figurative detective's hat on ready to defend his and her honor  
> although steve accusing bucky is a close second  
> shall we throw steve into the mix? JKJKJK
> 
> i really wanted to make this chapter as heart-felt and heart-breaking as the last, but this is what came to me. i guess it's okay because clint wasn't a forerunner in the beginning, and now he has an edge  
> BUT hopefully everyone gets the warm fuzzies so tony can have a chance!
> 
> poll 3: DOES THIS CHANGE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT *INSERT GUY HERE*  
> for once i can answer!!!  
> no, because i love tony already  
> now, how to reveal bucky's indiscretion.... and to who first?!?!
> 
> leave a comment if you enjoyed lovelies!!! and i'll see you soon!!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky the you-know-who


	11. It's Kind of a Thor Subject

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the funnest type of filler you'll ever find... just kidding it's an actual chapter and does not count as filler. EVER.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mindfuckery and mass confusion continues with a cameo by Pharm's favorite, good old Thor
> 
> leave me a comment lovelies, as i slowly try to wrap up this insane work of shenanigans!
> 
> XOXO Bucky

“Well, that’s it. I’ve lost.”

 

Bucky stared moodily at the board.

“Brother Barnes, I’ve made exactly two moves. I’m no chess expert, but I think you’re giving up a little too easily.”

“It doesn’t matter. However hard I try, I fail.”

“Perhaps we should stick to Pictionary.”

“You can’t play with two people, Thor.”

“False. If one person draws while the other guesses, it can be quite entertaining.”

“You’ve been on Earth for how long, now?!”

“How does that correlate to my opinion on games?”

“Do you even know what Netflix is?!”

“Yes. But if you have experienced wars as I have, seeing them on a screen isn’t rewarding.”

“But drawing an octopus with five legs is?!”

“They don’t have those on Asgard.”

Bucky leaned back into his chair in frustration, as Thor eyed him curiously.

“This is about more than just board games, isn’t it.”

“Good job, Sherlock.”

“The fact that you’ve been avoiding Brother Rogers for the past hour seems to indicate that whatever is on your mind would not sit well with your, as they say, ‘bestie.’ So you may as well turn off your sarcasm function and speak like an adult.”

“And you are not allowed to hang out with (y/n) anymore, Thor. You’re getting too quippy.”

 

 

“So how’d it go with lover boy?”

“We’re getting married in three weeks.”

“In that case I better be your maid of honor.” Clint flipped a Mickey-Mouse shaped pancake with one hand, while frying up some hash browns with the other. Excellent dexterity shouldn’t be wasted on just archery, after all.

“Look at you, cooking. I hear women love a man in an apron.”

“Damn straight.” He motioned with his chin to two plates on the island, and you trotted over with them obediently.

“I want that Mickey!”

“Say please.”

“Or what?”

He tsked and with a flick of the wrist, landed both the hash browns and the pancake onto one plate. In a flash, he had plopped both frying pans into the sink, grabbed the full plate, and was sitting in front of the TV before you could even grab a glass of orange juice.

“Clint, no fair!!”

“Should’ve said please.”

You marched over with your empty plate and shoved it in his face. “Share!!”

“What are you, in Kindergarten?”

“If I sit criss cross apple sauce, will you give me some?”

He shook his head, but moved his plate and angled it so you could sit on his lap.

You wavered with your legs half-bent like you were deciding whether or not to pee.

“The hell is wrong with you?”

“Uh…” You bit your lip and plopped down on the ground next to his feet. “I don’t think Tony would be very happy if I… well, you know.”

“Well, Tony’s not here, is he.”

 

“Oh, Clint, when will you learn? I’m everywhereeee!”

 

Clint choked on a mouthful as you burst into laughter. Apparently the loudspeaker didn’t permeate the vents; everyone else was used to Tony interrupting from afar.

“What are you, Stark, a voyeur?!”

“Give her the pancake, Barton.”

“I don’t take orders from you.”

“I found the extra stack of pornos that (y/n) missed.”

“Here!” Clint thrust his plate at you, before scrambling up through the ceiling to secure his stash.

You smirked as you munched on an ear. Of the pancake. Not Tony’s. Or Clint’s. Or Bucky’s.

 

Damn. You better figure this thing out soon.

 

 

“Thor? You okay, bro?”

Bucky snapped his metal fingers as the blonde God stared wild-eyed at him.

After a few seconds of not moving, Bucky got worried and chucked a bishop at him.

Thor caught it with one hand, but the rest of him was still a statue.

“So…I’m guessing you’re in shock from what I just told you, and not because your evil brother has escaped from his alien prison.

“Affirmative.”

“And…?”

“Adopted.”

Bucky rubbed his temples, wondering why he hadn’t gone to Natasha with this information instead. But if there was one person who would tell Steve everything, it was probably her.

Still, he didn’t expect ‘adopted’ to be Thor’s first response to his conundrum.

“I’m sorry, are you asking me if (y/n) was adopted?”

“No. Loki was adopted. And you’re an ass.”

“…” Bucky wasn’t sure whether to be confused as hell or insulted. Probably a bit of both.

“(y/n) is a brilliant woman. And pretty easy-going, as a matter of fact. But somehow, you’ve managed to muck it up.”

“Pretty much figured that out myself, Thor.”

“No, I don’t think you have.”

Bucky flexed his arm, more out of habit than an attempt at intimidation. Either way, Thor was nonplussed.

“Setting aside the fact for a moment that you thoroughly humiliated her-“

“I did not!” He had gotten enough of the pious act from Steve. “It was a mutual understanding that we were both-“

“Not that, you idiot! I meant the part where you called her a whore!” Thor looked around quickly to make sure no one was within earshot, lest his precious toaster be confiscated again.

“Oh.” Bucky averted his gaze for once. “Not my best moment.”

“You’re telling me.”

Bucky scowled; while he understood that he’d screwed up big time, he didn’t exactly appreciate being lectured like some schoolboy.

“Putting that aside;

 

Have you even thought about what (y/n) truly wants?!”

 

It was so simple, yet it was the man who did not know he could buy another toaster who was waving it in his face.

“That’s what I thought.”

While Thor did get off on giving good advice, Bucky wasn’t exactly the most receptive subject. Or grateful, for that matter.

“So while you think about that, I think I’ll go free a giraffe from the zoo. Because that, is something I know for a fact would cheer (y/n) up.”

 

And before Bucky could spit out a snarky rebuttal, Mjolnir had smashed open a window and the God of Thunder was off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEEEE
> 
> GIVE ME SOME LOVE BELOW
> 
> RANDOM RAMBLINGS:  
> POLL 1: WHOOOOOO?!?!?! besides thor of course *cough*
> 
> POLL 2: CUTEST PART?!?!  
> i'm going with when lovely marches up to clint and demands he share. how much more adorable can a relationship get?!  
> damnit i'm just making things harder for myself
> 
> poll 3: which part made you laugh?!  
> mine is probably when bucky chucks a chess piece at thor. of course, like a pro, he catches it one-handed, even while in mindfuck status.
> 
> GODDAMNIT THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD TO FINISH.
> 
> OKAY. THAT'S ALL THIS TIME LOVELIES. TIME TO CRANK OUT ANOTHER CHAPTER AND FIGURE MY SHIT OUT. HELPPPPPPP
> 
> see you soon!!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Mindfucker who mindfucks herself....


	12. Catalogue of Crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i keep saying things get REAL because they DO  
> buttttt 
> 
> THINGS GET REALLLLLLL  
> LIKE REALLY REALLY REAL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shit lovelies, it's been a hell of a week (few weeks) but i'm finally back with another edition of 
> 
> mindfuckery at it's best!!!
> 
> leave a message at the beep!   
> FUCK
> 
> heh get it?
> 
> anyway gimme a shoutout below!!
> 
>  
> 
> XOXO Bucky

 

 

“So, long story short, he apologized for smashing my car with his ant, and we’re going out for drinks sometime.”

“You definitely have a knack for meeting people.” Steve passed you the scissors as you cut the boobs out of the Victoria’s Secret catalogue Tony kept ‘accidentally’ getting in the mail.

“Technically Scott and I had met once before; that one mission where I was the low-key eyes in the café he was the bug I almost swallowed on my latte.”

“Hmm.” Steve uncapped the glue stick and began pasting the boobs you’d cut out onto Tony’s 2004 ‘Memories’ album. Which mostly consisted of selfies of himself.

“See? I told you this was fun.”

“Right.” He tried not to blush as he touched a million pictures of lace bras. “So, what else is new with you?”

“What, besides meeting the awesome Ant-Man?!”

“You’d think living with the Avengers would make you more blasé about it all.”

“Yeah, you guys aren’t any special; but he’s freaking Ant-Man!!”

Steve chuckled. “Don’t let Tony hear you say that. You promised him Iron Man would be your favorite superhero forever.”

“Let’s not talk about Tony,” you mumbled, carefully cutting out one of the Angel butts to paste on his face.

“Is everything okay?” Steve knew he wasn’t exactly the most subtle type, but luckily you were too distracted to notice.

“Everything’s fine. Great, in fact.”

“You don’t sound that thrilled.”

“I’m having a crisis of conscience.”

Steve twiddled his thumbs and tried to come up with a non-slut-shaming encouragement.

 

“You’re allowed to eat more than one fish from the sea, (y/n).”

 

“…what?”

“Nevermind.” Steve decided to change the subject to something safer. “So how long do you think it will take Tony to realize you’ve ruined this album?”

“Probably a few weeks. He hasn’t discovered what I did to his 2003 set yet.”

 

 

“Bro, we need to talk.”

“If it’s about the hole in the wall on the fifth floor, I’m pretty sure that was Thor’s fault.”

“It’s about (y/n).”

Clint put down his Men’s Fitness. “Fuck.”

“Uh-huh. So, did you guys?”

“Did we what?”

“Fuck.”

“Wh- of course not!!”

“Ah. Okay. I guess she was speaking in hypotheticals then.”

“The fuck are you talking about?!?!”

“I mean, I can’t think of anyone else she’d have sex with.”

“…” Clint peered at your kind-of-boyfriend in utter confusion.

“See, (y/n) hinted that she might’ve gotten a little something-something on the side when we were semi-dating. I mean, no judgement, but I definitely think she traded up.”

“From who, exactly?!”

“I have no idea.” Tony scratched his head, while Clint tried not to throttle him for being a complete moron. And for not explaining what he was babbling about. “Well, I’m sure she’s told you all about it now. Being your bestie and all.”

“As a matter of fact-“ Clint stopped to consider if he should lord this albeit false assumption over Tony. Unfortunately, by the time he had decided against it, Tony had already wandered off to bother someone else.

Well, damn.

 

 

“Look, (y/n)…”

You heard the deep and frustratingly sexy voice behind you and you could swear your hand started throbbing. Like it was Harry Potter’s scar and Bucky was an admittedly good-looking Voldemort.

Steve made a frantic throat-slicing motion over your head, but it was no use.

“We need to talk.”

“Pretty sure you said enough last night.”

He was silent for a moment, as Steve mouthed ‘last night?!?!’ at his best friend.

“Steve can you excuse us for a minute?”

“Uh, (Y/n) and I are in the middle of a project right now, actually.” Steve was 100% certain that ‘talking it out’ was a terrible idea, but Bucky wasn’t taking the out.

“Gluing bras on Tony’s face can wait.”

Steve sighed and got up, capping the glue stick and giving you a pat on the shoulder, in case you wanted to give him a face to ask him to stay.

You continued cutting out lingerie, with only the lift of a head as a goodbye.

“If you don’t want to talk, (y/n), you don’t have to.

 

I just want you to listen.”

 

“Why? So you can talk shit about me some more?”

With Steve out of the room, you dropped the cold shoulder. To the fiery volcano-type.

Bucky shook his head. “I’m really sorry about that-“

“Really? Good for you.” You slapped the pages of Tony’s album closed and stood up from the coffee table. “I guess that makes you a saint, now, doesn’t it.”

“Just let me apologize-“

“I don’t care if you’re sorry!” You snapped, stunning him into silence.

“If you want to ease your guilty conscience, go donate some money to needy orphans. Or breast cancer research. I’m not waiting around for those precious words to come out of your mouth.”

Bucky was taken aback, completely. You, however, were not finished.

“I don’t know what pisses me off most, you know?

The fact that you were such a hypocrite about us sleeping together, the part where you ran away like a little bitch after I admitted that it was my first time, or the fact that you came back to call me a slut.”

At this, Bucky clenched his jaw; he didn’t need to see himself vilified when he was already trying to apologize. You took his defensiveness as reinforcement to what you were saying.

“And now, what? You expect me to fall at your feet in thankfulness for showing some human decency?!”

 

“THAT’S NOT IT!!”

 

His scream reverberated around the room, bouncing across the furniture right into your face.

Despite all your anger, you felt a prickle of fear against the nape of your neck.

You watched him carefully as he took a deep breath.

“I just felt like you deserved to be treated better.”

The contrast in volume of this new statement was surprising.

“I wanted… the chance to treat you better.”

 

You stared at him, unblinking for what felt like days.

 

But there was no memory of skin pressed against yours or his tongue tickling your ear when you held up your palm and peeled off the bandage.

 

“Does this look better to you, Bucky?”

 

As Clint dropped through the vents to see what the hell had happened, you merely motioned with your chin to the handsome Winter Soldier standing across from you.

“It was him.”

 

And you walked away before you could watch Clint beat the shit out of him for what he thought was only about a cut on your hand.

 

 

“Tough day, (y/n)?”

“Tough week.”

“What happened?”

“Well, Thor, I tried to break up with Tony, fucked Bucky, got back together with Tony, and found out my best friend is in love with me. And that’s the very concise version.”

 

“…I stole you a giraffe.”

And without asking you any more questions, he put his arm around your shoulder to show you your new pet for the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
> 
> LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW. THANK YOU
> 
> RANDOM RAMBLINGS:  
> POLL 1: WHOOOOOOOO
> 
> poll 2: what was your fav part? besides the last part with thor of course ;)
> 
> i'm gonna go with when lovely pulls off the bandage and starts the fight between clint and bucky. because EPIC.
> 
> how the hell am i supposed to end this tangled tale?!?! not your guys' problem though; just enjoy the ride!! WHOOOO
> 
> poll 3: have you watched ant-man?!?!  
> i LOVE scott right now. if there's more movies he mayyyy be on the way to surpassing tony on my favs list.
> 
> I KNOW I KNOW BUTTTTTTT HE'S SO DORKY IT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM
> 
> HE'S JUST SO AUGHHHHHH. although tony's a dick so thats very enjoyable. BUT STILL. DORKINESS BEATS DICK EVERY TIME. AT LEAST IN MY LIFE.  
> help me with this crisis of conscience guys.
> 
> okay that was awesome, hope y'all enjoyed it!!! tune in soon (but not too soon (hey wait that rhymed that's awesome! i mean the tune in soon, not soon and soon. because i'm not some stupid lazy rapper who rhymes the same word twice) because i'll be busy with some crazy things known as life as we know it, and also because this writing takes TIME AND WORK YAKNOW) woah look at that parenthesis-ception
> 
> any, give me some low below! that's all this time lovelies!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky (MIA but never KIA... too soon?)


	13. Brucie Steps in (FINALLY)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cameo by my very favorite second character  
> my second very favorite character?
> 
> anyway brucie's here!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MORE MINDFUCKERY
> 
> I KIND OF HATE MYSELF FOR MAKING THREE GREAT GUYS FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU LOVELIES AT THE SAME TIME
> 
> BUT THE SHOW MUST GO ON
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Mindfucker (seriously thinking about making an fb for my pseud)

“Okay, break it up.”

Tired from an all-nighter of splitting atoms and what-not, Bruce was not in the mood to walk in on Clint and Bucky going at it like a bunch of feral wolves.

Fighting, of course. Not mating.

Either way, the man-wolves did not look up.

 

“BREAK IT UP!”

 

Bucky froze mid-punch, while Clint chose to deliver one more kick before ceasing.

“Why is it that the most emotionally unstable guy in the whole freakin tower has to play ref?!”

The two tiffers took the opportunity to look at their feet, with Clint adding an off-handed whistling to make the situation even more Hawkward.

 

“Has everyone gone insane?!”

 

Both boys opened their mouths to object, but a slightly green hand stopped them both in their vocal tracks.

“I just walked past Steve clutching Victoria’s Secret catalogue-“

Clint made a guffawing noise, but bit his tongue quickly.

“Tony is on the phone with a lawyer- don’t comment on that either, Bucky-”

The Winter Soldier looked away, chastised.

 

“Because Thor, Nat and (y/n) are playing with a giraffe in the garden!!”

 

“A giraffe? Really?”

Clint couldn’t help piping up anymore.

 

“I spend more than 48 hours in the lab and everyone just loses their freaking mind!!”

Evidently, being cooped up that long had done a number on Bruce’s brain as well. Or at least his patience.

“Now I am going to bed. When I wake up, and it better be of my own accord, all of you will be on your best behavior. Understood?!”

“Hey, we’re not the ones who absconded with an endangered animal!”

For once, Bucky looked like he was in agreement with Feather Mouth.

 

 

“Giraffes aren’t endangered. And I told them it was purely Avengers business.”

 

“You really gotta stop using that as an excuse, Tony.”

“Hey, I saw you petting Bingo, Nat.”

“You named him Bingo?!”

“I also saved your asses. So, you’re welcome.”

“Hey, I wasn’t a party to this crime. In fact, I think Thor is solely responsible.”

“Playing with Bingo makes you an accessory.”

 

The other three guys in the room stood in silence as Nat the Cat and Tony entered the room and bantered on.

Finally, Bruce spoke for all three of them.

 

 

“Really? Bingo?”

 

 

“Whatever makes (y/n) happy,” Tony responded brightly.

Everyone took a moment to process this strange good-boyfriend material spouting from Egohead’s mouth.

 

“Whatever. I’m going to bed.”

 

“The line is I’m getting cheese fries, Bruce.”

“For God’s sake, let it go!”

“I will not! If (Y/n) has forced me to watch Mean Girls three times, I’m going to make sure everyone quotes it properly!”

“I think Bruce was just stating a fact, Tony.”

“And I think you’re getting fat, Nat.”

And as the two bickered on, Clint and Bucky slipped away through separate doors (well, door and vent), and Bruce laid down on the ground, promptly falling asleep.

 

 

 

“Okay, (y/n), it’s time to bring Bingo back now.”

“No.” You sat down and hugged the giraffe’s leg like a toddler.

“We promised the zoo he’d be back by 6.”

“Tell them the mission went late!”

Tony crossed his arms and gave you a strict look, which was SO not him. “I already got you out of this mess once, (y/n).”

“I’m sure it was easy, with your charm and all.” He rolled his eyes at your sarcasm, but something about the way you were clutching Bingo and beaming up at him made him feel like he needed to sit down. Like right then.

“I mean, that’s how you got me, right?”

As you stuck your tongue out at him, he wondered why the feeling didn’t go away; and why it got stronger when you kicked him in the shin with a giggle.

“Just because you’re cute doesn’t mean you always get what you want.” Was his firm answer as he waved at Thor who came rumbling over with Mjolnir.

 

As Bingo stared terrified at the whirlwind of blonde hair and lightning, Tony waited for you to whine obnoxiously and make the ache in his chest go away.

 

Instead you cocked your head at him with Bambi eyes.

“You think I’m cute Tony?”

 

 

He cursed himself as he pulled you to your feet.

 

 

“Very.”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EEEEEEEE
> 
> LEAVE ME SOME LOVE IF YOU LIKED
> 
> random ramblings:  
> poll 1: YOU KNOW THE DEAL
> 
> poll 2: which part was funniest/cutest  
> mine is probably when everyone's reacting to lovely's choice of giraffe name... i like bingo...
> 
> which reminds me i saw on GMM (with rhett and link whom i adore) that one girl actually hopped into a giraffe enclosure in a zoo in the US to feed some grass to the giraffe. first he ate the grass, licked her to thank her.... then kicked her  
> stay out of the enclosures,guys!!! luckily his kick was blocked by a secondary smaller fence... so instead of shattering her ribs she just got a bruised lip/face  
> apparently giraffe kicks can stop a lion?!?! damn they're pretty badass. although they look like baby bambi walking around sometimes keke
> 
> poll 3: whats your fav animal?!?!?! mine is a biger, it's a bunny/tiger hybrid that doesn't exist.  
> okay technically tigers are my fav but bunnies are a close second and since i've actually owned one i have to include them
> 
> that's all this time lovelies!! i know it's short, but it's been hell trying to come up with a climax/conclusion for this bullshittery... and i got a million new ideas out there as well. i've posted 3 fun (okay, fine, angsty as fuck) one-shots if you'd like to check 'em out.  
> till next time!!
> 
>  
> 
> XOXO Bucky the you-know-who/what


	14. IS it over?!?! Sort of...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty lovelies, this is gonna be the last chapter for a while. It works as a regular ending but I think I'd like to continue it sometime in the future; but right now it's going on hold/hiatus. So enjoy the mini-ending for now!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a crazy wild ride that is winding now, at least for the moment!  
> i hope to come back to this soon, but i've got lots of projects i'm working on right now and i don't like to keep fics open for a long time if i can't update so regularly. So consider this a mid-season finale as I put this bullshittery on hiatus for a bit.
> 
> feel free to start from the beginning or a few chapters behind to experience the first 'season' if this fic in all its glory
> 
> Leave me a comment below!! Thanks for reading Lovelies!!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Mindfucker

 

“So I’m in love with (y/n).”

“What’s new.”

Clint walked into Nat the Cat’s room without knocking, where she was using a lint brush to get Bingo’s fur off her shirt.

“Damn, if I had come in a second earlier I might’ve gotten to watch you take that off.”

“Be awkward to be called Hawkeye if I plucked those pretty ones right out your head.”

“Point taken.”

Still intent on being annoying, he heaved himself onto her bed dramatically, making sure his boots were touching the blankets. She rolled her eyes and continued de-linting, waiting for him to start ranting.

 

“It’s just, she can do so much better, you know?”

“Right. Because you’re such a catch.”

“You know it babe.”

“Thought we went over the whole ‘cute names’ thing Clint.”

“My kneecap remembers, yes.” He cringed, remembering the swift kick he’d received when he put his arm around her hips and called her babydoll that one time. You’d been nice enough to ice it for him, while laughing your ass off anyway.

“If I recall correctly, (Y/n) left Tony to flirt with that tennis player so she could get some peas and carrots from the freezer.”

“Yep, another example of the fine gentlemanly qualities of The Great Stark.”

“You did try to grope me that night, man.”

“I put my arm around you. My hand was nowhere near your ass.”

“I could see it going there.”

“You’re crazy.”

 

“So are you, if you think I’m going to give you any tips on how to win (y/n) over.”

 

“What?!” He stared at her, betrayed. “You’re Team Iron Man on this bullshit?!”

“No.”

“So you’re just being a bitch?!”

“I will find your backup porn collection Clint Barton.”

He hopped off the bed and backed away slowly, ready to head up the vents and re-hide his stash.

“Why can’t you just help me?!”

“Because. I refuse to pick sides on this.”

“Well then give all of us advice. Free help for all. Like Obamacare!”

 

 

“I don’t think you want my advice, Clint.

I think you want my permission to swoop in and snatch (y/n) from under Tony’s nose.”

 

 

“And you think it’s wrong?” He crossed his arms defensively.

“I think it’s not my call to make.”

“Bull. You never think that.”

“Fine. Let’s say I’m withholding judgement for the moment.”

“Barely.”

“Well since when do you need permission for anything anyway?”

 

He sighed, hating how easily she could read him. Maybe because she was an expert interrogator; maybe because they were such good friends.

 

Maybe because you had become his weakness.

 

 

“She’s different from anything else, Tasha.

She’s worth being different for.”

 

 

 

“I fucked up, Natasha.”

“So I’ve heard.”

“(y/n) told you what happened?”

Nat the Cat clicked the lid of her laptop down sharply. “Why does everyone think I’m Oprah?!”

“You are the only other woman in the building.”

“Yeah, just because (y/n) and I both have vaginas, doesn’t mean we collaborate on everything.”

Bucky twitched at the v-word despite being a Supersoldier.

“Can I at least tell you my side?”

“Sorry, I’m not doing sides right now.”

“I have a right-“

“Yes, this is America. Everyone has free speech. Doesn’t mean everyone has free ears.” Nat the Cat thought about plugging hers and humming the way you always did when Tony tried to sing Taylor Swift; but that was really up your alley.

“I just don’t want to be painted as the villain again.”

 

Nat the Cat pressed her hand to her forehead and took a deep breath. “I will only say this once more, so if anyone else asks, you’re on notice. I am Switzerland this time around. No one gets an edge.

 

 

And no one gets a free pass. Or a right or wrong hand stamp.”

 

 

Bucky let out a deep sigh and nodded, before walking away with his head down.

Nat the Cat still had a heart, though, so she called over his shoulder.

 

“That also means no one’s the monster this time around. Not even you.”

 

 

 

“Do you believe in fate, Tony?”

“Am I going to catch that Moltres? Definitely.”

“No!” You stopped trying to touch your toes mid-stretch to poke your boyfriend in the side.

Yes, boyfriend seemed right, now. Finally.

“I mean, do you think our choices in life matter? Obviously they do to some extent; but do you think sometimes we go down roads without realizing it, just because we’re meant to?”

“Babe, it’s really hard trying to beat the Elite Four with your existential questions distracting me.”

“Ugh, fine.” You folded your legs into a butterfly and took a deep breath, leaning forward gingerly. This whole yoga shit was not as easy as it looked.

 

“Still working on that high kick?”

You turned back to Iron Head to see he had paused his GameBoy and was watching you.

“Ew, have you been staring at me? Creepy!” You reached over to shove him, but he grabbed your hands and pulled you into his lap.

“You want me to pay attention to you, right?!”

“Maybe say something first next time?!”

Tony rolled his eyes, but inside both your hearts were bursting.

 

“So, you wanna show me that cartwheel?

“Oohh ye- hey wait, answer the question first!!”

“What question, Ms. ADD?”

You put your hands on your hips.

“Do you believe in fate?!”

“I’m a scientist. The fuck you think?!”

“Fine, fine.” You stood up and brushed off your butt, ready to show off your gymnastic prowess.

 

He waited until you were half-way in the air before speaking once more.

 

 

“I can’t say we were meant to be together; but I’m pretty damn lucky to have found you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEEEEE
> 
> Random ramblings:  
> Poll 1: WHOOOO (for next 'season' i guess)
> 
> Poll 2: What was the most memorable part of the fic?!  
> mine is probably wall-sex with Bucky and giraffe-ing around (like monkeying around, get it?)  
> god i can't believe i let bucky off that easily. don't worry, we'll get him back in the next season.
> 
> fyi the high kick and cartwheel moment are call-backs to the first chapter, when all this mindfuckery began =)
> 
> Poll 3: What/who would you guys like to read about next?
> 
> Thanks for reading lovelies, got some one-shots coming up (as usual) and maybe a few multichapters (but much shorter than this one hopefully). Til next time!
> 
> XOXO Bucky


End file.
